We take client confidentially very seriously. Our privacy policy is pretty simple, we will not tell anybody anything … ever. Our lips and hard drives are sealed.

No paper records are kept. Electronic records are protected using TrueCrypt and a Scrabble board password system.

Highly sensitive work is performed using computers with bootable CD operating systems routed through randomly changing anonymous proxy servers in countries with no extradition treaties with Australia.

Our casual staff are paid in cash, links or Wow Gold. We do not not know their real names. They are referred to by colours: Mr Orange, Miss Brown, Doctor Red and so on. They sign commercial confidentiality agreements modelled on the British Official Secrets Act.

They operate in task cells and do not have the clients’ big SEO picture. They communicate with each other using code words in email drafts that are never transmitted. Sensitive emails are never sent across networks.

In the event of a raid from the search engine authorities or the Google Goons, we will push a hidden button that will set off thermite charges attached to all the hard drives in our office. All questions will be answered with a polite “no comment”.